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圖03：《父母》，1933年，攝影，15×10公分
My Parents, 1933, photography, 15×10 cm
圖04：《歷史鏡頭》，2010年，油畫、畫布，65×53公分
Historical Footage, 2010, oil painting, 65×53 cm
這是我的父母親，背景是兒時故鄉的記憶，那是屏東里港鄉下的大街。我在十歲之前，像個快樂的小公主，備受雙親寵愛，父親是一名醫生，家境不錯，父親鼓勵並栽培叔叔上醫學院，而堂哥也上了大學，在那個年代是件相當不容易的事，父母親也相當勤儉過日。
可惜二次大戰末期（當時台灣是日據時代），父親被日軍徵召支援前線戰場，當時才30歲左右的母親，日夜期盼父親早日歸來，不到兩年戰爭結束，台灣光復了（民國34年）。一日有人帶來一個3公分立方白紙盒，以及一張戰亡證書，白色紙盒內裝著父親的頭髮和指甲，母親把冰冷的盒子緊緊抱在懷中，她說：「大樹倒了！」母親背著陽光，無聲地走進房裡，幾天後，母親帶著蒼白的臉，一樣為我們兄弟姐妹忙碌，但臉上再無任何
期待的光彩。
父親戰亡後，只留了頭髮與指甲給我們，離家時把診所交給叔叔，並請叔叔代為照顧我們。母親為了生活，找到小學老師的工作，她非常堅強，沒有父親的日子，她一個人扛起整個家，每個月微薄的薪資，只能節吃省用，日子過得非常清苦。過年的新衣是將父親的衣服改給我們穿，一針一線看似平靜的裁縫衣裳，其實內心隱藏著複雜的感受。
小時候最害怕開學前向叔叔要註冊費，幼小的心靈很受傷，畢竟別人主動幫忙的與自己開口向人要，這其間有很大的差異，又經常遇到叔叔忙，還得多跑幾趟才敢開口，那時候尷尬的心情現在回想起，還是有很深感受。
This was a portrait of my parents; in the background was my home town in my memory, the main street of Pingtung Ligang. Before I was ten years old, I was loved and pampered by my parents like a little princess. My father was a medical doctor and my family was somewhat well-to-do. My father encouraged and supported my uncle through his medical school and my cousin, his university. It wasn’t an easy thing to accomplish financially at that time. In the same time, my parents werethrifty in running the household.
Unfortunately, towards the end of the World War II (at the time, Taiwan was occupied by Japan), my father was drafted to the frontline to support Japanese warfare. My mother was about 30 years old and she longed for my father’s return day and night. When the war ended in less than 2 years, Taiwan was recovered (in 1945). One day someone visited the house and brought a three-cubic-centimeter white box and a deathat-war certificate. In the white box were father’s hair and fingernails.
Holding the cold box tightly to her chest, she said “our big tree has fallen.” With sunlight behind her, my mother quietly walked into her room. A few days later, with her face looked so pale, she continued busily caring for me and my siblings, but there was no longer a sign of
anticipation on her face.
After father’s death at war, we only got his hair and nails. He had given his medical practice to my uncle and asked him to care for us before he went to war. In order to support us, my mother found a teaching job at a local school. She was a very strong woman; she carried the burden of raising the family all on her own since we no longer had a father. The salary was small, so she had to stretch it and live frugally to survive; it was a hard time. When the New Year came, she would modify my father’s old clothes to make into new clothes for us. It seemed ordinary from the surface when she was working on a needle and thread, but the complex emotion was hidden deeply in her heart.
As a little kid, the most dreadful thing was to ask my uncle for the school registration fee. It had left a negative imprint in my young mind. After all, there was a difference between asking someone for help versus receiving without even asking. Many times when we went to see him, he happened to be busy and we dared not to ask for the money. It took multiple trips and guts to get it done. I could still deeply feel the embarrassment just by thinking back.
圖05：《母親》，1994年，粉彩、紙本，39×27公分
My Mother, 1994, Pastel, 39×27 cm
圖06：《主啊！牽我手到天庭》，2004年，油畫、畫布，33×24公分
Take My Hand, Blessed Lord, 2004, oil painting, 33×24 cm
這是我為母親畫的兩張畫像，記得母親在面對自己的死亡時非常平 靜，她常唱著歌：「主啊！牽我手到天庭。」她走之前，不斷地說看到光，並且重覆地說「12」，1995年2月「12」日，她就這樣走了，走得很平靜。
記得那天，當時我正在廚房，是歌聲帶引我到臥室，和煦的夕陽正輕輕穿入滿室，臥室充滿金黃彩光，那歌聲有如天使之音一般的柔和安詳。我整個人感受到釋放，那種平安喜樂是我從沒感受過的，那舒適、平靜、安穩、放鬆，我完全融入其境，心靈充滿溫暖。等我回過神，意識到那歌聲是母親靜靜的躺在床上，輕輕哼唱著：「主啊！牽我手到天庭。」我眼睛濕了。
I did these two paintings of my mother; I remembered the peacefulness while she was facing the imminent death. She sang “Lord! Hold my hand to the heaven” frequently. Right before she died, she kept saying she saw the bright lights, and repeated the number “12” several
times. On February 12, 1995, she passed away peacefully.
I remembered on that day that I happened to be in the kitchen. It was the sound of singing leading me to her bedroom. The warm light from the setting sun filled the room with the yellow golden color, and the singing was so soft and peaceful like the sound of an angel. I felt a total relief washing over me with the kind of peace and joy I had never experienced; it was comfort, peace, safe, and relax. I was flooded in it, and my heart was filled with such warmness. When I came to realize the singing come from my mother quietly laying on her bed humming “Lord! Hold my hand to the heaven”, my eyes filled with tears.
鬱金香是我最喜歡的花，小時候媽媽第一次教我畫畫，就是畫鬱金香，小時候的衣服小口袋上也會縫上鬱金香，鬱金香對我而言不只是花，它是一朵可以讓我與母親心靈相通的花。
Tulips are my favorite flower. When I was little, it was a tulip my mother first taught me how to draw, and tulips were sewn on my cloth pockets. For me, a tulip is not just a flower; it is a flower that links my heart to my mother’s.
以上內容節錄自《涓涓細語 彩繪人生》趙許娟娟◎著．財團法人天主教曉明社會福利基金會出版
更多精彩內容請見http://www.pressstore.com.tw/freereading/9789572853467.pdf |
